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D/4

Dominate Beast

Whether or not this is a good spell depends on what you're trying to get out of it. If the idea is to befriend an animal, this one is a good shortcut to spending several months training it, although, really, what are you going to do with a trained animal beyond being friends with it? You came to a world without magic to win, not to make friends! With a bear!

If the idea is to neutralize an animal that might otherwise be a threat, though, just shoot it*.

Real-World Rating: 5 (Effective But Limited)

Dominate Monster

Ain't no monsters. Ain't nothin' to dominate.

Real-World Rating:  1 (Worthless)

Dominate Person

As a front-door mind control spell, this isn't bad; as a back-door mind control spell, it's even better. This does the same basic thing the other Dominate spell, but there's a way to short-circuit your target into total meat-puppet mode. It doesn't last very long, and there's a Save vs. Wisdom, but there's never a bad way to be able to control someone's mind for sheer havoc.

Real-World Rating: 6 (Pretty Okay)

Drawmij's Instant Summons

Another spell of the oldest of old schools, named after the PC of Jim Ward. Get it? Oh my Lord the old D&D guys were hokey. Anyway, this one has a steep buy-in cost -- a sapphire that costs a cool K -- but it's worth it: You can mark any object, from a handgun to a hotel key, and it instantly teleports into your hand no matter who has it, how far away it is, or how closely it's being guarded. If this blog is a heist movie, Drawmij's Instant Summons is the deus ex machina that pulls the whole scam together. A mortal lock.

Real-World Rating: 9 (An All-Time Great)

Dream

It is an article of faith in almost every fantasy story that dreams have magic -- that dreams, indeed, have power. They transport you to another reality, they show you the possibility of the present and the future, and they add a shade of the mystic and the surreal to the everyday and the ordinary.

In fact, this is hogwash. Dreams are just your brain packing the events of the day into its attic, and 90% of them are about being asked to do an endless repetitive task over and over again except you only think you're getting paid for it. (The other 10% are about humiliating yourself in public.) Anyway, this dud of a spell lets you shape another person's dream, which serves merely to provide them with a boring story to tell their domestic partners, and give them a message. A classic JUYP scenario** insofar as you're blowing a 5th-level spell with a pain in the ass material component*** on a situation where you could just send a text instead.

Real-World Rating: 2 (Mostly Pointless)

Druidcraft

This cantrip allows you to predict the weather for the next 24 hours, just like one of the mysterious druids of lore or anyone with a phone (see JUYP, above).  You can also make a flower bloom, light a candle, or create the sensation of a skunk spray, which, with the realization that this is a cantrip, are all still easily accomplished by using a lighter, a glass of water, or a fart.

Real-World Rating: 1 (Worthless)

*: I feel like anyone reading this blog without the proper background would think that I advocate shooting animals an awful lot. That's not what this is about! I advocate shooting people even more!

**: Just Use Your Phone.

***: You have to make a quill pen out of a feather taken from a sleeping bird. Even the cheapest cell phone plans now offer almost unlimited texting.

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