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E/1

Earthquake

It seems a little grumpy to criticize this spell. It does just what it says it's going to do! It makes an earthquake! It knocks people over, it drops people into a hole in the ground, and it destroys buildings! What's not to love?

Well, I mean...it's an 8th-level spell, and it's a pretty big investment for something that only effects an area the size of a football field for one minute. Not that that's bad! It's fine. It's fine! Maybe you got a couple hundred people chasing you because you ass-grabbed the king's daughter, and you don't happen to have a ton of time or C-4. So you throw an extremely localized earthquake at them.  It's...it's fine.  I don't know. Maybe I'm just hard to please. 

Real-World Rating: 7 (Effective)

Eldritch Blast

One of the things that D&D's 5th edition improved -- or ruined, depending on your perspective -- was the relative offensive weakness of low-level spellcasters. Well, you don't have to depend on Magic Missile anymore, kids! This thing is a cantrip, which means you can cast it as many times as you want, and 1d10 is potentially lethal in almost any real-world situation. You still have to roll to hit, but this is as good as carrying around a high-powered rifle that never needs to be reloaded.

Real-World Rating:  8 (Very Effective)

Elemental Weapon

Do you have a sword? Well, you shouldn't, but if you do, this can make it cold, flaming, electric, acidic, or, uh, thunderous, and add less damage potential than you would get from using Eldritch Blast, a zero-level cantrip. Overblown.

Real-World Rating: 4 (More Trouble Than It's Worth)

Enhance Ability

They used to break this one into different parts -- Bear's Endurance, Bull's Strength, Cat's Grace, Eagle's Splendor, Fox's Cunning, and Owl's Wisdom. It also used to confer a lot more power; in previous editions, it added a whopping 4 points to your major ability scores, which could really ramp up your character's formidability. Now it just gives you advantage on checks and some piddly buffs. Classic subtraction by addition here. 5th edition is generally overpowered, comparatively speaking, but this one really cheaps out on you.

Real-World Rating: 5 (Effective But Limited)

Enlarge/Reduce

Making people or things huge or tiny is a pretty useful spell, whether in a fantasy or a real setting, and the specs on this one are fairly solid. This isn't bad at all for a 2nd-level spell, so complaining about it would be downright churlish. 

But "Churl" is my middle name*! There are some nice things about Enlarge/Reduce (for example, just from a comedic standpoint, it rules that you can cast it on an unwilling target, even if they get a save), but the claim that the latter reduces a creature's size by one-eighth and also one size category down is a head-scratcher.  This would shrink a 200-pound, six-foot-tall human to 25 pounds and nine inches tall, which is way more than one size category smaller. 

I realize that this is extremely petty, as objections go. But this...is my calling. 

Real-World Rating: 7 (Effective)

Ensnaring Strike

The premise of this blog is whether or not the spells from Dungeons & Dragons would be effective in the 'real world', with only one spellcaster in existence. But it's worth considering that if the tempores have changed, so, too, have the mores.

There is a basic assumption in the game that, if you find yourself in armed combat with a person or creature, if your initial blow does not kill them, it is both desirable and acceptable that they at least be additionally painfully inconvenienced, such as setting them on fire, burning them with acid, or, in the case of Ensnaring Strike, immobilizing them with thorny vines. This, curiously, reads to some people as more humane than the rules of armed conflict in the modern world, where you can just point a gun at someone and threaten to kill them, and if they don't, you actually kill them. Frankly, the latter strikes me as much kinder, and in game terms, makes for far less complicated combat scenarios. How game is it, really, to hack away at someone with a blade, then tie them up in plants that rend their flesh, and hack away at them some more? Hardly sporting, old sprout. Hardly sporting.

Real-World Rating: 4 (More Trouble Than It's Worth)

Entangle

This one, on the other hand, is one I would never lose; it's a classic spell, it's intrinsically non-violent, and who can forget the druid casting it in those old one-page comic book ads drawn by Bill Willingham? If this makes me a hypocrite, it will merely be the 9,000th piece of evidence for that conclusion. The spell description ends: "When the spell ends, the conjured plants wither away." Poignant!

Real-World Rating: 6 (Pretty Okay)

*: Actually, it's "Earl"**, but you get the point.

**: In fact, it's "Allen". I can only make people lose so much faith in me.

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