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Dancing Lights

In theory, this spell -- a cantrip that lets you create four manipulatable orbs of false fire -- has a lot of uses: illumination, distraction, illusion, etc. In practice, though, I feel like it would mostly be used for pranks. Whoever is the Faerûn equivalent of Johnny Knoxville (Nahum Gundbarg or some fucking thing) probably gets a lot of mileage out of tricking horny rogues into making out with Dancing Lights.

Real-World Rating: 3 (Pretty Ineffectual)

Darkness

There's obviously a lot of utility in being able to create an area of pure, impenetrable darkness which can't be dispelled by any nonmagical means, especially if you're the only magician in existence. The clownish exemption for this spell is that like a light spell, it has to emanate from a specific object, which you can nullify the spell by throwing a towel over. Lame.

As an aside, it doesn't say what the verbal component of this spell is, but I like to think it's saying "Darknesses!  Darknesses!" like Dave Chapelle playing Rick James.

Real-World Rating:  6 (Pretty Okay)

Darkvision

The two constants about Darkvision in D&D is that you can't see in color (because physics, like magic has to obey those rules) and that the material ingredient is a carrot (because Gary Gygax was corny as hell). It's hard to argue against being able to see in the dark, but this is another perfect example of magic being superseded by technology. The duration of this spell is all of eight hours, but a good lithium battery can outlast that by 2-4 hours, meaning you're better off just buying a reliable pair of night vision goggles.

Real-World Rating: 5 (Effective But Limited)

Daylight

I have a bit of a soft spot for this spell, because my magic-user cast it to wax some trolls in the very first game of Dungeons & Dragons I ever played, way back in 1981. However, it's not really that useful in a nonmagical setting, because there aren't a lot of situations in which you need it to be a different time of day. It's good for nullifying a Darkness spell, but as we've learned, you can do that with an old t-shirt. Nocturnal threats are a big deal in fantasy worlds, but in reality, this won't do much unless you need to make a cat drowsy.

Real-World Rating: 4 (More Trouble Than It's Worth)

Death Ward

This sounds pretty grim ("Once I cast this spell on you, the next time you get attacked by a horrible monster, instead of dying, you'll just be horribly injured!"), but, well, I mean, nobody wants to die, right? This is like having a CrashCart contract in Shadowrun. It's insurance against instant grisly death. The main problem with it is that it only lasts for eight hours, so you have to keep casting it to make sure the target doesn't get scragged unexpectedly or while they're asleep, but that's kind of a quibble for a very useful spell that doesn't even have a dumb or expensive material component.

Real-World Rating: 8 (Very Effective)

Delayed-Blast Fireball

The main problem with Fireball, the all-time favorite mass-damage wizard spell, is that it's basically like setting off a land mine in an enclosed area. Sure, it'll waste your opponent, but at least one or two of your companions are likely to get caught in the blast radius. That's where Delayed-Blast Fireball comes in, transforming your land mine into a hand grenade. Suddenly, you get to control when the explosion happens, and if your enemy tries to fuck with it, it's like they're a magical bomb squad, tempting fate to keep the worst from happening. Hard to complain about!

I like to imagine a situation where you could drop a Delayed-Blast Fireball into a small area where people can't leave, like a vault or a prison cell, and just dangling it there for hours while the guards look around for a bucket to put over it and cast lots for who has to sit on top.

Real-World Rating: 9 (An All-Time Great)

Demiplane

This is one of those spells that is both baffling and cruel. What it does is create a magical door into a tiny micro-plane of existence that manifests as a Standard Dungeon Room™ (30'x30', stone or wooden construction, no windows or furniture). Once the spell ends, the door disappears, and there's no other way in or out. If you cast the spell again, you can either make a new micro-plane, or you can re-open the door to a previous one.

Now, you might think, okay, that's a nice place to stash treasure or magic items or anything you want to be able to protect from all but the most dedicated magical theft. But the spell description doesn't say anything about that! Instead, it talks about how you can toss someone -- a living, breathing, sentient life-form -- into the demiplane and leave them there forever. I suppose this is acceptable on a certain level if you're looking for an especially effective kidnapping aid, but it seems like a lot of work when you could just handcuff them to a bedpost. And there's no food, water, bed, bathroom, or anything else in the room, so if you eventually get the person out, they'll be filthy, humiliated, miserable, hungry, thirsty, deprived, and possibly insane, because this is actually a magical version of solitary confinement. And if you don't get them out, you're condemning them to slow, maddening death by starvation! As I often say in this blog, it's much easier -- and frankly, in this case, more humane -- to just shoot them.

Real-World Rating: 4 (More Trouble Than It's Worth)