Skip to main content

E/2

Enthrall

This is basically "Bullshit: The Spell". On casting you let out a string of gibberish that your target, if they fail a save, and you get to have advantage for one minute or "Concentration". I dunno, maybe I'm getting jaded already, but this seems like something you could replicate just by telling a story about a dream you once had.

Real-World Rating: 3 (Pretty Ineffectual)

Etherealness

The rare example of a spell that's vastly more effective in the 'real world' than in D&D, Etherealness lets you basically turn into a living ghost -- invisible, intangible, and able to go anywhere and see anything -- for eight hours. In the game, this is fraught with peril, as you are still subject to spells, ethereal beings, and other risks, but in our reality, it's basically a ticket to omniscience. You don't get it until seventh level, but it's worth it!  Basically beats almost any kind of divination spell there is.

Real-World Rating:  10 (Essential)

Evard's Black Tentacles

I forget which buddy of Gygax's Evard was named after, but it was for sure one of his midwest libertarian drinking buddies, so he got himself a cutesy nickname and a spell that no doubt causes fans of shokushu goukan to get all bothered in the loins. In practical terms, it's more or less a version of Entangle that causes more damage and is gross, which means it is more effective in freaking people out than it is doing its actual job, but it's fine on its own merits. My one note is that the material component is a giant squid tentacle, which, who carries a giant squid tentacle around with them just in case you need to tie someone up? 

Real-World Rating: 6 (Pretty Okay)

Expeditious Retreat

I'm gonna be straight here: I love the hell out of this spell. I love that it's a low-level spell that actually does something useful; I love the name; and I love that they have such a complicated concept around the idea of "I'm running the hell away as fast as possible". It's probably less effective overall than just stealing a car, but sometimes it's the frills that appeal to you.

Real-World Rating: 7 (Effective)

Eyebite

This used to be a much better spell, predicated on the idea that the concept of biting someone's eye was nausea-inducing. Now it's one of those catch-all spells that does a lot of things, none of them particularly well.

The three things you can do to your targets with this spell by giving them a wizardly thug mug are: (a) make them fall asleep, which you can also do with a Sleep spell five levels lower; (b) make them panic, which you can also do with a Fear spell three levels lower; and (c) make them sick, which just gives them disadvantage and doesn't even guarantee that they'll puke. Once again, you can achieve all these effects with simpler spells or technology, and you won't have to fuck with the possibility you'll throw a 6th-level necromancy away on a lucky saving throw. The name of this spell deserves a better spell.

Real-World Rating: 4 (More Trouble Than It's Worth)

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

B/1

Bane Insert joke here about Tom Hardy's weird voice work here! Actually, for the low low price of one single drop of blood, this spell makes an enemy of your choice bad at things for up to a minute. The perfect example of an effective buff spell:  simple, basic, tilts the odds just enough in your favor. As good in the real world as in D&D. Real-World Rating  7 (Effective) Banishing Smite Another of those high-level spells that is more flash than function. It can inflict a fuck-ton of damage (up to 50 HP in addition to whatever you normally do with a weapon), but the real heat is if that takes your target to under 50 HP -- which it surely will to all but the most powerful foes -- you banish them to another plane of existence! Spectacular, cool, but...why bother? Why not just kill them, thus totally eliminating the possibility this dangerous enemy will return and be super pissed at you? There's no insult-to-injury scale in the real world, so this just seems like murder ...
Post a Comment
Read more

G/1

Gaseous Form Imagine going to Wizard Grad School for 12 years and the farthest you get in your chosen career path is being able to change yourself into a fart. This is pretty advantageous in a lot of ways -- you can get into locked rooms, you're immune to falling, and you get some good boosts to saves and the like -- but not only can you not (obviously) hold on to any of your gear, but you can't attack, cast spells, or use magic. Even that would be tolerable, or at least understandable, but you can still *take* damage, and if you get reduced to zero hit points, you not only are dying, but you become corporeal again! A good idea ruined by ridiculous execution. Real-World Rating:  3 (Pretty Ineffectual) Gate It takes you until 9th level to get this one, and you have to burn 5,000 in gold every time you use it -- the equivalent of flying first class, I guess -- but it is a pretty great spell: It opens an immediate and infallible portal to anywhere you want to go on any other plane...
Post a Comment
Read more

D/1

Dancing Lights In theory, this spell -- a cantrip that lets you create four manipulatable orbs of false fire -- has a lot of uses: illumination, distraction, illusion, etc. In practice, though, I feel like it would mostly be used for pranks. Whoever is the Faerûn equivalent of Johnny Knoxville (Nahum Gundbarg or some fucking thing) probably gets a lot of mileage out of tricking horny rogues into making out with Dancing Lights. Real-World Rating:  3 (Pretty Ineffectual) Darkness There's obviously a lot of utility in being able to create an area of pure, impenetrable darkness which can't be dispelled by any nonmagical means, especially if you're the only magician in existence. The clownish exemption for this spell is that like a light spell, it has to emanate from a specific object, which you can nullify the spell by throwing a towel over . Lame. As an aside, it doesn't say what the verbal component of this spell is, but I like to think it's saying "Darknesses!  ...
Post a Comment
Read more