F/1

Fabricate

Finally, we're free of the tyranny of the Es, and into what I call "The F ZONE"! Why am I so excited about the F ZONE? Because, buddies and pals, it has fire in it. 

But before that, we have to get through some dross like this, which basically lets you do with magic what people have been doing for thousands of years with good old manual labor. Friends, I'd be lying to you if I said I didn't sit down and calculate the actual cost-to-benefit ratio of using a 4th-level spell to turn a cluster of trees into a bench, but why bore you with those numbers when this entry is so boring already? You could make the argument that this could liberate a couple of people from some wage drudgery, but the overarching point is that you don't have to use a relatively potent bit of wizardry to save you the work of a lathe, an overseas below-minimum-wage worker, and a trip to Bed, Bath, & Beyond.

Real-World Rating: 2 (Mostly Pointless)

Faerie Fire

What if Dancing Lights was more annoying? Well, then, it would be Faerie Fire, the spell that made dipshit homophobes giggle for over two decades. I don't have much to say about this spell (which, let's be clear, is pretty dorky), other than that it's actually better than it sounds, giving your tanks up to ten rounds of advantage -- not too shabby for a first-level spell.

Real-World Rating:  7 (Effective)

False Life

Like a lot of necromancy spells, this one sounds very spooky ooky and sinister ("bolstering yourself with a necromantic facsimile of life" -- necromancers are such drama queens), but it's really just some extra hit points for an hour. Which is fine, but there's no need to sound so Grand Guignol about it. One cute detail: the material component of this one is literally just a shot of booze.

Real-World Rating: 5 (Effective But Limited)

Fear

This powerful illusion summons the dread spirit of Lee Ving to croon offensive punk lyrics at your enemies, giving you a chance to escape Los Angeles. Ha ha! Oh, how I kid. No, really, this is your standard scare-your-enemies spell juiced up a little to justify its third-level status. By throwing an illusory Room 101 at your foes, you can make them flee in terror, or at least go far enough away that they won't be able to look at you anymore. Since they can save their way out of it, it's a tad underpowered by 3rd-level standards, but it makes you feel like a real bad-ass, so I'll give it a pass.

Real-World Rating: 6 (Pretty Okay)

Feather Fall

Legitimately one of the best bang-for-your-buck spells in the Player's Handbook. There's a reason that every two-bit rinky-dink wizard ever rolled up since 1974 puts this one in their pocket: it's a first-level spell that basically makes you invulnerable to death from a fall! Even if you don't hang around in dungeons (or skyscrapers, or whatever the real-world equivalent is), this is incredibly useful, and costs practically nothing. A must-have.

Real-World Rating: 10 (Essential) 

Feeblemind

Look, I'm not gonna get too deep into the utility of this one, for once. It's a higher-level spell than I remember (8th!), and it's susceptible to a save, but it's also pretty damn potent, converting even the canniest sorcerer into someone who's spent 72 hours scrolling through blue-check Twitter accounts. 

What I want to talk about...is the name. It seems, well, wrong, doesn't it? It seems like a slur. I don't know how we've come this far in terms of accommodation and sensitivity in role-playing games and we're still stuck with this spell name that's one step above the r-word. Perhaps I am too delicate for these times, but this one should be relegated to the trash heap of RPG history along with Faerie Fire.

Real-World Rating: 6 (Pretty Okay)

Feign Death

Why bother faking it when the real thing is so easy to come by? To each his own, I guess. Anyway, if you carry around a handful of gross cemetery dirt in your pocket for weeks, you can eventually put your buddy in a coma. This isn't that useful for what it actually does, but it's kind of a back-door suspended animation spell: if your buddy has the plague or ate some rat poison, this keeps them from literally dying by clever means of fake-dying. Not really my idea of a good time, but like I said, necromancers are real drama queens.

Real-World Rating: 5 (Effective But Limited)